What 5th grade meant

How many of you knew me in 5th grade? I was new to the district, the little nerdy Asian girl who always had her nose in a book. Teachers loved me, and I loved them. I didn't have many friends, in fact, only one. Remember Sarah? I didn't know many people, I knew them all by sight, but I didn't trouble myself to get to know them, neither did they, me.

I admit I was hard to approach, preferring the company of a book to a human. Even when I wasn't reading, I don't think I was part of this world. I was lost in my daydreams, even while walking through the hallways. I would fly through my fantasy world and create stories for me to live in. At recess, I would usually try to retreat to the Prairie garden or to the library, to read, or to play with the bees. Sarah and I played tetherball sometimes, when it was warm enough, but there was an ugliness on the playground. I don't know what the boys wanted back then, but they would dare each other to come up to me and talk to me or to give me high fives. I glared back. I only found out about the dares when one day, I gave in, and he immediately rushed back to tell his friends. These were the "cool kids". Their behavior shaped my reputation into one even more unapproachable. Boys and girls alike laughed and scorned me for my wackiness, for retreating into my own world.

They were popular, and the way they treated me saved me in high school, for instead of wanting to be accepted, I adopted the two philosophies: "Why would I want to be like them?" and "They're not going to like me anyway, nor do I want them to, so I can do what I want." In this way, I learned to stay true to myself, and built a reputation that all the drugs of high school couldn't penetrate. I made the right kind of friends, people who care about me for who I am, and I never felt pressured to change or be popular. The funny thing is that boys seemed to like me for just that, that I didn't care what they thought, if I noticed them at all. Did they just like the chase?

Even though I made many more friends in junior high, I also got used to being alone.

I'm alone now. Set apart again. Different.

Berkeley surprised me. I thought that, at a school like this, especially seeing it's a research institution, most people would be more excited about the learning. Wrong. In the lower division classes, most people only learn for the grade. I surprise people because I enjoy the learning and because I have fun. I surprise people with the way I spend my free time learning more than I have to learn. New Trier gave us choices on what to learn, and there were many passionate about what they learned, because they were learning what they like. In college, you choose what you learn, in your major. So why is there no passion? Apparently, upper division classes are "fun", when you get into more specific topics. It makes sense. The first years of piano are the hardest, and the least "fun", too. But isn't that a matter of discipline? You work through what you don't like until you get to what you like. Delayed reward. Everything is hard until it's easy. Everything's interesting when you get into it. Isn't that the point? It's like that Tiger Mom philosophy.

I'm confused by these people.