When I Was

When I was 5, 

We said goodbye

Not knowing what it meant. 

We talked on the phone for ten minutes

In five years

About the adventures our toys were having,

Not knowing any better. 

When I was 8,

I loved him because everyone thought I did. 

He gave me little gifts

No doubt like his older sister did

With her boyfriends,

And invited me to dinner at his house. 

I said no, of course. 

What was dating, anyway?

When I was 10,

I met him at camp, 

And we drew together. 

He played my games, and I played his,

And I shook my head at what he did with the other boys,

Because how could someone I liked act so stupid sometimes?

And when school started, I was shy. 

We said hello in the hallways,

And not much else. 

Then I found out he was gay,

And I was never so confused. 

I found you again when I was 10.

You said you would protect me,

And we made up games together. 

And when I had to leave again,

We knew what it meant.

We were sickened by the hurt,

Though we didn't speak of it. 

When I was 12,

I heard him play.

He were shy, and in a crowd of roudy pre-teen boys

He stood out.

I liked him from a distance,

And I thought he might have known it,

But I didn't know how much boys saw then. 

When I was 13,

We sat on the bus. 

I told him I liked him,

And though he said he liked me back,

We stayed friends. 

He gave me the only jewelry I ever got from a boy. 

Maybe I should've dated him,

But I was still young,

So I was smart. 

When I saw you again at 13, 

I hugged you for the first time, 

And you held my hand to keep it warm,

Or so we said,

As we traversed the caves. 

And I had never felt so happy

Or so safe.

And when you sent me valentines on your birthday 

It made my day. 

When I was 14,

We hadn't seen each other in seven years,

And I thought I still knew him,

Though I didn't. 

I appreciated his intellect

In a time when intellect was rare,

And he took me to my first dance,

Where I found out dances weren't for me. 

I had my first kiss,

From my good friend,

As I watched another girl break his heart. 

By then I wasn't just watching anymore,

And he knew I liked him,

But he would only ever think me "cute."

I accepted the kiss, and moved on. 

When I was 15,

They called us lovebirds,

But only I knew how many nights

I stayed up crying,

Trying to explain what was wrong to him. 

It wasn't his fault as I thought for so long,

But he was ready, and I wasn't,

And I was ready, but he wasn't, 

And for two years I tried to change him. 

Not knowing that never works. 

That summer at 15 I saw you again,

Sooner than I had ever hoped. 

I told you of my boyfriend,

And kissed your cheek goodbye,

And promised to keep in touch. 

I missed him while I was with you,

But when I was with him,

I dreamt of you. 

When I was 17,

I thought I had found the one. 

We worked out our differences;

Everything seemed like destiny,

And we talked of marriage and children,

But then I went to school,

And realized just how young we were. 

We spoke the truth to each other at 18,

Confessed that the love had been there,

But blood and miles kept us apart. 

I found out who you really were,

A human, not a dream,

And it broke my heart. 

I mistook you for a perfect being,

Which is easy to do,

When I only saw you one day out of a hundred. 

When I was 19 

We broke up,

We couldn't deal with being apart,

And he were so angry,

That I was glad. 

Today I look at what I've learned,

And learned to fear,

And I don't know whether to call it by the name of wisdom

Or corruption. 

Take it as it comes, one day at a time

Or is that fear of commitment?

Take me as I am,

Or is that fear to compromise?

Forgive you for your mistakes,

Or is that lack of faith?

Am I practical, or cynical?

Am I found, or lost?

I remember how to love, but I've never hesitated before the threshold like I do now. 

Did I fall from the world of dreams,

When I found out the angel was made of earth like me?