Different cultures have different expectations for relationships. Maybe marriage in your culture means a domestic partnership where the goal is to make a home and raise children, with the man working and the woman at home. Maybe your culture expects love between two equal parties with ambitious career (or alternative) goals that are somehow accommodated by the relationship. Maybe your parents will choose your partner whom you might never have met and you are expected to make it work. And I'm sure there are many other systems that I'm not familiar with. None of these are particularly messed up. They're just different.
But modern China's system. That's messed up.
Let's start with the One Child Policy. Traditionally, children are seen as an investment by the parents, not only because they want the children to do well and "bring honor to the family," but because the children were "retirement insurance." Children take care of the parents when they're old, and often the parents move in with the kids. I can hear the gasps of horror from the Caucasians in the audience who can't wait to move out of their parents' house. But it was necessary, because there's no social security or retirement funds, and it worked. Past tense. Before, when people tended to have larger families (more sons to work the land, etc.) the burden of the parents fell to many siblings. The parents would help look after the grandchildren and the children would all contribute time and money into supporting the parents.
Now, with only one child per family, the pressure and expectations have both risen. Parents put much more pressure on that one child both to marry and carry on the family line, and to make enough money to support the parents in their old age. Parents can also put all of their financial resources into that one child's education and career, which often means buying the child an apartment within China's ridiculously inflated housing market, and a car.
Also, Chinese people have a preference for having boy-children over girl-children. Carrying on the family name and all that. It didn't used to matter before, because as long as you had one son, it didn't matter (too much) how many girls you had too. Now, abortion rates for girls have gone up. It's not in the news much, but it must happen, because there are measurably more young men in China than young women. Sons, especially only sons, also tended to be spoiled. I remember vividly when I was 15 years old and first starting to date that my mom warned me against dating only sons (who were Chinese) because their mothers are so much more involved in their lives that they were likely to be involved in my married life, whether I wanted them to be or not. I was 15 when she said this, so it must've been serious. The point is, all sons are now only sons, so the young men in China are, on average, much more spoiled than the generation above them. They are the ones whose parents buy them apartments and cars, and later on, pay for the wedding.
There's nothing wrong with your parents supporting you. The problem comes when, because there are so many more men than women, women can afford to be choosy. With all things equal (and with the culture's obsession with wealth), women can and will choose a man with money over a man without. The result is that having an apartment and a car has become a requirement of dating, for men. This makes many men bitter, obviously, since almost all of them are being rejected a lot of the time, just due to the ratio. But it has become the parents' duty to give their sons these things. If they can't afford it, some young men blame their parents for their lack of a girlfriend.
Even though we find it immature of the men and it sucks for the parents, it's not really anyone's fault. It is impossible to afford rent on an apartment on just a typical 20-year old's salary. Especially in a city like Beijing or Shanghai. Which pretty much means it's impossible for these people to date... etc. I mean, unless the girl is naive and also has poor parents, which we will get to in Part 2.
Let's start with the One Child Policy. Traditionally, children are seen as an investment by the parents, not only because they want the children to do well and "bring honor to the family," but because the children were "retirement insurance." Children take care of the parents when they're old, and often the parents move in with the kids. I can hear the gasps of horror from the Caucasians in the audience who can't wait to move out of their parents' house. But it was necessary, because there's no social security or retirement funds, and it worked. Past tense. Before, when people tended to have larger families (more sons to work the land, etc.) the burden of the parents fell to many siblings. The parents would help look after the grandchildren and the children would all contribute time and money into supporting the parents.
Now, with only one child per family, the pressure and expectations have both risen. Parents put much more pressure on that one child both to marry and carry on the family line, and to make enough money to support the parents in their old age. Parents can also put all of their financial resources into that one child's education and career, which often means buying the child an apartment within China's ridiculously inflated housing market, and a car.
Also, Chinese people have a preference for having boy-children over girl-children. Carrying on the family name and all that. It didn't used to matter before, because as long as you had one son, it didn't matter (too much) how many girls you had too. Now, abortion rates for girls have gone up. It's not in the news much, but it must happen, because there are measurably more young men in China than young women. Sons, especially only sons, also tended to be spoiled. I remember vividly when I was 15 years old and first starting to date that my mom warned me against dating only sons (who were Chinese) because their mothers are so much more involved in their lives that they were likely to be involved in my married life, whether I wanted them to be or not. I was 15 when she said this, so it must've been serious. The point is, all sons are now only sons, so the young men in China are, on average, much more spoiled than the generation above them. They are the ones whose parents buy them apartments and cars, and later on, pay for the wedding.
There's nothing wrong with your parents supporting you. The problem comes when, because there are so many more men than women, women can afford to be choosy. With all things equal (and with the culture's obsession with wealth), women can and will choose a man with money over a man without. The result is that having an apartment and a car has become a requirement of dating, for men. This makes many men bitter, obviously, since almost all of them are being rejected a lot of the time, just due to the ratio. But it has become the parents' duty to give their sons these things. If they can't afford it, some young men blame their parents for their lack of a girlfriend.
Even though we find it immature of the men and it sucks for the parents, it's not really anyone's fault. It is impossible to afford rent on an apartment on just a typical 20-year old's salary. Especially in a city like Beijing or Shanghai. Which pretty much means it's impossible for these people to date... etc. I mean, unless the girl is naive and also has poor parents, which we will get to in Part 2.
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