Just when I'm getting comfortable in my own skin, when I stopped dressing up for work because I no longer cared about making a good impression, I feel like I need to dress up to go home.
I've always felt this way meeting people for the first time. Every new class, I would want to look professional. Put together at least, if not impressive. And maybe meeting people I didn't know very well, or haven't seen in a long time, I would want to impress too. Maybe not going as far as makeup, but at least ...
My usual style since college involves slacks. And just recently I've made the transition of being more comfortable at work, since no one is going to see me in lab anyways. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm nervous to go back to China. I feel like I have something to prove, and so instead of thinking about how I can be comfortable, I've been thinking of how much makeup to pack. How do I look American while I'm there, while all I wanted during the wedding was to look Asian. I want to stand out. I want to say "I'm not one of you." For once, I don't want to feel like I belong.
I'm wearing it for myself, but also because a bold lip and a smokey eye is a big fat fuck you to everything in Chinese society that I hate. The love of brands, of caring what other people think of you before how you think of yourself, of not respecting anyone around you, of taking advantage of them before they can take advantage of you.
I'm not coherent. This mess has been festering in my mind ever since we made plans to go to China, ever since Yeye had a stroke and I felt like I had no choice but to go. To go, and then never to go again. Unless things change. Even then.
Sean, I'm glad you're not going with me. I can't help but think that it's going to suck. Whenever I have to tell people about my holiday plans and they get excited on my behalf, I honestly don't know what to say. That it's a burden? That I have way too much baggage to enjoy myself fully? That I love these people who are my family and that's the only reason to go. Looking the way I do, there are so many expectations - of my language skills, knowledge of culture, social status...
Maybe that's the reason for my armor. I want people there to know I'm not one of them, so they can't make assumptions of me. I want people to back off. I want nothing to do with them.
Maybe I'll feel differently when I get there. I've only got a week left to go now.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey stalkers - if you don't have a blogspot/google account, please leave your name so I can get back to you, or just email me.