Grace in Los Angeles

I care too much about certain things. I always have. When I'm in that state I'm impossible to deal with. My mind won't stop thinking about the details, I micromanage, why don't other people care as much as I do? Do I have to do everything?

When I first moved to Los Angeles, I wasn't used to how flaky people are here. People are noncommittal. Always late to things. I'd been taught to be punctual, because other people's time is valuable. I felt that they weren't valuing mine. I'm busy too, I wanted to say. I cleared my schedule for you.

Now, after five years of living here, I just, don't. I don't clear my schedule. I won't wait for your response before I make my plans, and if it doesn't work out, then oh well, next time. Because yes, sometimes people ditch because they don't feel like driving across the city. But sometimes priorities shift. People get busy. It's nothing personal. And in learning to forgive that other people just aren't depending on me the way I used to depend on them, I'm learning to forgive myself too. It's okay if I just want to stay home because I've been busy every night this week. It's okay if I'm not free any of the days that you're free. We still like each other. And if our friendship develops more slowly than if we didn't live on opposite sides of the city, that's okay too. I've become less clingy. Less desperate. More detached.

It's a form of grace, in a way. There's less pressure to make plans. More forgiveness when plans fall through. The expectations are lower. It's not a big deal when my effort isn't fully reciprocated. 

It also feels like the only way to survive.

On the other hand I value so much more friends who are willing to prioritize time together. The ones who suggest a day and an activity. The ones who you don't have to chase. Those are the friends, where if we lived in a smaller town, would drop by without notice. In such a large city, friendship takes more effort. I've learned to appreciate the ones who make that effort, and forgive the ones who don't.