Two millennial mindsets

The Chase 

You always fall hard. What makes you think this one will be any different? I’ve contemplated this one for a bit. I’ve fallen for men the way I fall for hobbies, treated them the same way, and lost them way faster. Exposure leads to obsession pretty quickly, and before you know it they’re habitual with 90% mindshare. This is good when it comes to marathon training; it is less good when it involves another human susceptible to fall.

In high school, a chance encounter could lead to a crush. A crush fostered flirtation, and this flirtation phase was by far the most fun thing to experience in the entire world. Who didn’t live for the he loves me, he loves me not flower petal picking at recess, or the notes left in lockers and ensuing heartrace?

Most of my friends grew out of that once they found boyfriends who understood the concept ladies first. In discovering the comfort of being with someone good, they realize the benefits of stability far outweigh the ephemeral first kiss high. But somehow that was never enough for me. Stability quickly led to boredom, and boredom exclusively led to breakup.

I love the chase. I’m going to posit that this is an attribute of a personality constantly needing to be challenged, so I would negate the idea that the adrenaline-seeking affinity for desire is a “bad habit” and assert that it’s not so much habit as it is nature. For someone who strives to achieve in every setting, is it so unobvious that conquering others’ hearts would be just as satisfying an achievement, and as compelling a challenge? I’m not a serial dater; I’m a serial challenge-seeker. Sorry to the collaterals…

This doesn’t mean that our happily married peers don’t enjoy a good challenge. It probably means they don’t look at the world with a lens for absolute optimization, or they’ve already found the right person. I think the former is highly likely, and the latter extremely rare.

I do believe in the existence of a perfect match. Without delving into the history of my own random walks through misplaced romance, I think there must be somebody out there with whom I wouldn’t get bored. A friend of mine cites equivalence as the foundation on which this pairing would be found. It sounds mundane and altogether a widely acknowledged insight, but I only recently appreciated the potential magnitude of his truth.

In a relationship where two challenge-seeking people are extremely equal, I could imagine boredom staying far off shore. Challenge by challenge they play leapfrog, driving one another in a way that enables 1+1 to equal 3. Constantly getting lost and rediscovering, they unlock pockets of inspiration that neither would have found alone. Every uncovered secret leaves more to be desired, and the chase exists from beginning to forever. 

Settling

Are you settling? Settling for that job, for that boy, for your current situation in life - settling is a bad word. It implies that you have the potential to reach new heights, and that you're wasting it. Why settle, when you can achieve? When that dream job is out there, if only you work a little harder? When that dream guy is out there, if you search a little harder? Just a little harder?

But settling is also the earth over time, as layers of dirt are pressed into limestone. As coal is pressed into diamonds. Settling is a dog turning around three times before lying down to sleep. When you decide you're sick of the nomadic millennial life and buy a house. Yes, settling is commitment. It's stability. It's comfort. But it's also freedom.

You see, when you're not stretching, you have room to spread out. To reach higher, you find yourself on your tiptoes. Contact with the ground is in low supply. When your energy is dedicated to reaching upward, how can you also reach outward? Settling with someone means someone to watch the dog while you're off helping a friend. Settling down means painting your walls and quality furniture you never have to move out of the house. Settling into a community means getting to know people, caring about local issues, maybe even getting involved. Settled, you have the time, the energy, the resources to reach out.

Those who reach are stabilized by hundreds who settle. The ones who mow their lawns, who join PTAs, who host playdates at their houses. Those who settle build the foundation of society, and 'tis no less noble a task.